I sit here writing this while watching My Fair Wedding with David Tutera.
Btw – Mr. David Tutera is a talent not often seen. He also often says, “Never stop dreaming.” Precious.
I can tell myself that this bout of crying is because of love – the sharing of vows and the beauty of all of it. And I do cry at
weddings, even those of strangers on television.
I find myself crying at weddings more frequently these days. I have regrets about what I missed with my wedding.
I find myself finally admitting that I cry too much. No more sweeping under the rug.
My crying is a problem. IS a problem.
Sure, I’m tenderhearted. I’ve always been moved to tears at times when I have been extremely happy or sad. But the crying is now inappropriate. I acknowledge the negative affects on my job. In my family, “Mom’s crying again.” And there’s nothing left to blame.
It’s not depression.
Dr. PCP and I have discussed the crying. My answer has always been, “Sorry, for crying, Doc. It’s just that I can’t let go at home. can’t let go at work. You, know?” “Wow, and you’re on such a high dosage of antidepressants. It seems crying would be impossible.” Together, we would blame the Prednisone.
I never let her know when I started to cry frequently at work. And at home. And more frequently at home.
I’ve not yet let her know that I’m crying more since I’ve been off of the Prednisone for 3-4 months.
I’ve been blaming emotional lability to some people in my circles. And I didn’t even know much about Pseudobulbar Palsy but I think there’s something there. Enough to get me to tell Dr. PCP and enough to get me in the chair of a Neurologist. Again.
My Hearing Loss
I cry because of my hearing loss. It makes life so hard. I hate wearing hearing aids. I hate how much they cost. I hate that they have a
lifespan of 3 to 5 years. I hate that I have no one to talk to about my loss – a friend who also experiences it.
I presently have $1500 in hearing aid benefit dollars from my health insurance. With some extra incentives, I can get some great quality aids (2) for a total of close to $3,000. It’s a great deal – like buy-one-get-one-free for a better quality aid than either that I have right now.
But I have a chip on my shoulder about my hearing loss. And spending big sums of money.
My conductive hearing loss is largely due to childhood neglect.
My husband is super nervous about spending and debt. Not basic spending but big sums of money where you don’t end up with a tangible item. This is why there are huge regrets around our wedding and beginning of marriage. That’s why we don’t vacation.
The Queen is mad
All of the above pisses me off. I want to spent the close to $3,000 on something that creates happy memories. Instead, I’m forced to spend it on devices to give me sound. Something so many people take for granted. Never even think about – the possibility of losing their ability to hear and therefore having a communication disorder.
It’s all I’ve got as an idea for a solution.
And I need a lot of help – I don’t know where to start with this deep subject. I’ve work on it therapy and have learned forgiveness. But this is bigger. This is something I believe I need to put my whole heart into.
I need to forgive myself first so I can forgive others. The price. The cost of figuring out how to forgive.
Everything is so damn expensive.
Thank you for being part of this.
Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: | crying, forgiveness, hearing aid cost, life with illness and disability, price of disabilities, pseudobulbar palsy, regrets, severe conductive hearing loss, the queen is mad, wishing life was different